I don't live in fear anymore!

I just realized I'm not afraid anymore. That's a big thing because I used to be afraid of demons, later that fear turned into a fear of death, and now I'm not afraid of anything. That made me think, have I been living in fear all these years without actually realizing it? And if I have, is that what many other Jehovah's Witnesses are experiencing as well, are they living in fear? Are JW's programmed to always be afraid of something?

Fear no. 1: demons
When I was a JW, I used to be afraid of demons. Nothing new under the sun; as I've read others' experiences, it seems many JW's are afraid of demons.

My case wasn't even that bad, after all. I wasn't one of those people who were afraid of buying things like old religious books (not JW books, of course) or listening to records by certain bands because there might be demons in them. No, I was never as paranoid as these people were!

However, when I stopped to think about demons and speculate about what I'd do if I ever encountered one, the mere thought gave me the chills. It's the sort of fear you feel when you think about something huge and unthinkable, something that is true but totally out of your normal experience. The funny thing is, at that time, I also used to feel the same kind of fear when thinking about being outside the God's organization, either by leaving it or being kicked out. I was a little more afraid of demons, though, because I was sure I'd never ever be out of God's organization but that I might meet a demon some day.

Occasionally, very rarely though, I used to have the most horrifying nightmares, hypnopompic hallucinations, which were kind of dreams I had while being half asleep, half awake. They're much more horrifying than normal nightmares because while having them, you think you've just woken up, but you're in fact still half dreaming, which makes your dreams feel very real. In this state, I always dreamed about demons.

Fear no. 2: death
When I studied the Borg's teachings a little more closely and was convinced they weren't correct, and when I lost my faith in the Bible, I naturally lost my faith in demons as well. I still had fears, though (Was it because my brain was programmed to be afraid?). At that time, I began being afraid of death the same way I used to be afraid of demons. Death was something huge and unthinkable, totally out of my experience, but something I'd inevitably experience some day.

I never liked the idea of simply ceasing to exist, but I had comfort in "knowing" I would be resurrected and live in a paradise forever. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, death, the state of not existing, became my primary fear. Actually, I was more afraid of death than I ever used to be afraid of demons because I knew I'd be dead one day. Even my nightmares reflected that. When I had those hypnopompic hallucinations, they were always about my husband lying next to me and being dead. I also started having those hallucinations much more often than I used to have. Even when I didn't have them and woke up for other reasons in the middle of the night, I sometimes was afraid my DH was dead.

Fear no. 3: wait... there is no fear!
These days, I can say I'm finally living without fear. Of course I'm still kind of afraid of dying, but so is every normal person. However, I've accepted the fact I'll die some day, I don't obsess about it anymore, and the funniest thing is, I haven't had any hypnopompic hallucinations in about half a year.

This is a liberating feeling. I don't know if I've ever been as free of fear as I'm now.

If there's no God, will anything matter anymore?

When I was a Dub, I used to believe in a creator simply because it seemed logical. The Society's books explained logically why the Bible was God's word, why it was simply logical to believe in a Creator and why the theory of evolution didn't make any sense.

I was happy "knowing" there was a God, because that meant there was a higher being out there who was interested in us human beings and who would ensure justice would eventually win. At that time, I was also very interested in the wonders of nature because I felt they all had a purpose. I was thrilled at the idea I could live forever and study the nature endlessly, maybe even visit distant planets.

When I lost my trust in the Society's publications because of blatant misquotations and twisted logic, I also lost the basis of my faith in the Bible. I know some ex-Witnesses don't lose their faith in God or even the Bible, and I'd actually like to be one of them and live my life the way Jesus actually meant... but I don't think I can believe in that stuff anymore.

I began thinking, if there is no God, and this life is everything we have, nothing really matters. Why should I be interested in things like protecting the nature? When I'm dead, I couldn't care less whether the human race will destroy itself or if the sun will explode and destroy this race. If there's no God, even the existence of our solar system won't matter.

As a result, I've lost my intellectual curiosity and interest in studying the nature. Partly this might be because of depression, and if it is, I'll probably gain back my interest while I've gone through the healing process. But right now, I've been indulging in pleasurable things that don't really matter: enjoying good food and fine wine, great music, partying, fantasy... I've been busy distracting myself so I wouldn't actually have to think about the meaning of this world and the stuff that really matters.

I'd like to dedicate my time for something significant that would actually help people and the mankind. But none of the causes I could live for would last forever. That's why I'd like to dedicate myself and my time to God, because God would be something eternal, so my work would have an everlasting meaning and purpose. But if there is no God, will I ever find the same kind of meaning in some secular cause?