When I was a Dub, I used to believe in a creator simply because it seemed logical. The Society's books explained logically why the Bible was God's word, why it was simply logical to believe in a Creator and why the theory of evolution didn't make any sense.
I was happy "knowing" there was a God, because that meant there was a higher being out there who was interested in us human beings and who would ensure justice would eventually win. At that time, I was also very interested in the wonders of nature because I felt they all had a purpose. I was thrilled at the idea I could live forever and study the nature endlessly, maybe even visit distant planets.
When I lost my trust in the Society's publications because of blatant misquotations and twisted logic, I also lost the basis of my faith in the Bible. I know some ex-Witnesses don't lose their faith in God or even the Bible, and I'd actually like to be one of them and live my life the way Jesus actually meant... but I don't think I can believe in that stuff anymore.
I began thinking, if there is no God, and this life is everything we have, nothing really matters. Why should I be interested in things like protecting the nature? When I'm dead, I couldn't care less whether the human race will destroy itself or if the sun will explode and destroy this race. If there's no God, even the existence of our solar system won't matter.
As a result, I've lost my intellectual curiosity and interest in studying the nature. Partly this might be because of depression, and if it is, I'll probably gain back my interest while I've gone through the healing process. But right now, I've been indulging in pleasurable things that don't really matter: enjoying good food and fine wine, great music, partying, fantasy... I've been busy distracting myself so I wouldn't actually have to think about the meaning of this world and the stuff that really matters.
I'd like to dedicate my time for something significant that would actually help people and the mankind. But none of the causes I could live for would last forever. That's why I'd like to dedicate myself and my time to God, because God would be something eternal, so my work would have an everlasting meaning and purpose. But if there is no God, will I ever find the same kind of meaning in some secular cause?
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Amazing. You stated my thoughts EXACTLY. I thought that I was the only person in the world who wanted something more than this world can offer but just couldn't believe in it. I am an agnostic atheist (or something like that) but I hate atheism with all of my heart. Not only is everything in this world fleeting but there will never be justice for all those innocents cruelly destroyed. The barbarians have the last laugh.
You are right about all of that. If God doesn't exist then things are truly screwed up. What keeps me going is that I refuse to accept that this is all there is even if the evidence is lacking. Maybe someday I'll find proof that there is more to this universe than what science has demonstrated. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be dead by then but if I'm dead I will no longer care.
There are no lasting pleasures in this world. Hobbies get boring, food gets bland, movies and books get empty of substance, people you love will turn on you, children will grow past the age of innocence, knowledge and wisdom lead to knowledge of evil, and our pointless earthly responsibilities occupy most of our time and only lead to temporary effects. Even our attempts at helping people and making the world a better place will not last. Future generations ALWAYS tend to squander the freedoms and fortunes that were given to them by the blood, sweat, and sacrifices of their forefathers. Nature tends to be careless and even cruel at times. The whole world is subpar compared to the world that you and I can imagine somewhere within us.
Many atheists think that the pleasures of this world are sufficient. You and I know that those things just don't cut it.
We have to keep looking for something more even if we die having never found it. Give me beauty, justice, eternity, and GOD.
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