I just realized I'm not afraid anymore. That's a big thing because I used to be afraid of demons, later that fear turned into a fear of death, and now I'm not afraid of anything. That made me think, have I been living in fear all these years without actually realizing it? And if I have, is that what many other Jehovah's Witnesses are experiencing as well, are they living in fear? Are JW's programmed to always be afraid of something?
Fear no. 1: demons
When I was a JW, I used to be afraid of demons. Nothing new under the sun; as I've read others' experiences, it seems many JW's are afraid of demons.
My case wasn't even that bad, after all. I wasn't one of those people who were afraid of buying things like old religious books (not JW books, of course) or listening to records by certain bands because there might be demons in them. No, I was never as paranoid as these people were!
However, when I stopped to think about demons and speculate about what I'd do if I ever encountered one, the mere thought gave me the chills. It's the sort of fear you feel when you think about something huge and unthinkable, something that is true but totally out of your normal experience. The funny thing is, at that time, I also used to feel the same kind of fear when thinking about being outside the God's organization, either by leaving it or being kicked out. I was a little more afraid of demons, though, because I was sure I'd never ever be out of God's organization but that I might meet a demon some day.
Occasionally, very rarely though, I used to have the most horrifying nightmares, hypnopompic hallucinations, which were kind of dreams I had while being half asleep, half awake. They're much more horrifying than normal nightmares because while having them, you think you've just woken up, but you're in fact still half dreaming, which makes your dreams feel very real. In this state, I always dreamed about demons.
Fear no. 2: death
When I studied the Borg's teachings a little more closely and was convinced they weren't correct, and when I lost my faith in the Bible, I naturally lost my faith in demons as well. I still had fears, though (Was it because my brain was programmed to be afraid?). At that time, I began being afraid of death the same way I used to be afraid of demons. Death was something huge and unthinkable, totally out of my experience, but something I'd inevitably experience some day.
I never liked the idea of simply ceasing to exist, but I had comfort in "knowing" I would be resurrected and live in a paradise forever. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, death, the state of not existing, became my primary fear. Actually, I was more afraid of death than I ever used to be afraid of demons because I knew I'd be dead one day. Even my nightmares reflected that. When I had those hypnopompic hallucinations, they were always about my husband lying next to me and being dead. I also started having those hallucinations much more often than I used to have. Even when I didn't have them and woke up for other reasons in the middle of the night, I sometimes was afraid my DH was dead.
Fear no. 3: wait... there is no fear!
These days, I can say I'm finally living without fear. Of course I'm still kind of afraid of dying, but so is every normal person. However, I've accepted the fact I'll die some day, I don't obsess about it anymore, and the funniest thing is, I haven't had any hypnopompic hallucinations in about half a year.
This is a liberating feeling. I don't know if I've ever been as free of fear as I'm now.
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3 comments:
There you go! Getting rid of fear is the key to being free.
good on you, and thanks for your post. i used to be mormon - also whacked - and i can relate to the withdrawal phenomenon. the universe without god and death without life everlasting was the most confronting thing a 17 year old can face in a lot of ways. its almost ten years on now and i haven't looked back - death still sucks, as a concept, but you get on with things and most old people i know are so tired it must seem like a bit of a release when you get that far.
I've never been afraid of death so I can't relate to that.
Therefore, I find nothing liberating in my atheism. My atheism makes me believe that there is no justice in this world. When a child gets raped to death, that's it. A little life of stolen dignity and the memory too will die. We get to live knowing that there was no purpose for any of it and that barbarism and all evil wins by default. The monster who does such a thing will die satisfied and sleep forever in the Earth without any feeling.
I don't know if you feel the same way.
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